This is scary

Posted: July 12, 2006 in Uncategorized

I originally made this heavily filtered post on 15th May, after a particularly hectic weekend. Some of the observations in here are interesting, with the benefit of hindsight…

Realised a few things about myself the last couple of weeks. The bad, bad parts of my personality are still there. They have been suppressed for so long, but recently, a couple of them have been rearing their ugly heads again, which is scary. Hopefully, I’m old enough and wise enough to deal with them now. On that note – repression, or regression – I seem to have completely regressed to the personality I had last time I was single. I was 22 then. How shocking that I could have changed so much. I hope I don’t change like that for any future man. I feel normal again, if a bit confused. Why did I stop doing these things? There was no reason to, I wasn’t expected to behave a certain way. I suspect I just disappeared up my own arse.

– You’re not wrong – I certainly did.

In another twist, some of the nastier bits of my personality (jealousy, sudden violent rages, spite) seem to be more…fleeting. Intense feeling, but will simmer down quickly. Before, I’d hold a grudge for months. I just need to learn to control it when it happens, and wait for it to cool down. I suspect I had early PMT this weekend. Though insecurities are creeping back. The ‘is everyone laughing at me, and taking the piss behind my back?’ is a good one. I don’t trust easily. I’d hope I was a better judge of character by now, but no-one’s perfect.

– True, I don’t trust easily, though I am too trusting, if that makes sense. No, it probably doesn’t.

What IS interesting, is how so many people see things that aren’t there, yet miss what is right in front of their face. It’s also nice to know a lot of my friends are trustworthy, mature and non-judgemental (despite my paranoid thoughts described above). I do sometimes wonder about strangers though. It’s 50-50 as to who likes me immediately, and who takes an instant dislike. Sometimes I win them over, but I wonder what they think I am like. We all know I come across as an arrogant tosswipe at first, but some people even like that. I wonder, do they start to dislike me when they see the soft centre?

– Can’t remember what the first bit was about at all, but the second part? That’s very interesting. And not far off the mark. Just call me Marmite…

This post was brought to you by Emo Crap Inc.

– so there you have it. May plough back a bit further because it’s quite entertaining. I’m on April at the moment…

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